WHY CAN'T I? Whenever I try to talk about you, you always show up. :(

This whole mess of trying to cover my face with a smiling mask makes me want to puke. Not.

I overheard from an old woman at a cafe: "Sayang, hija, doble-kara ka pala sa boyfriend mo."

Sometimes when I hear things like that, I tend to look at myself in the mirror, and ask myself if I am actually wearing some mask. I don't think I am, at times when I feel like I have to expose myself.

Like paper burning on the floor, I crumble when people think I am being plastic. Why should I be plastic when there are a lot of people who strike a deal with their own personal preferences to assume a slight smile and a sneer to show to ALL people?

Going back to the girl and the old woman at the cafe, I sense that the girl is hiding something.


Chismis is not my thing, but other people's lives are some sort of interesting, like the ones filed under historical gossip.

Current Mood: awake

Everytime I look at my face on the mirror, I always see a shadow of doubt. I always ask myself if I am okay all the time. The thing is, I am not always OK. I try to be OK by putting up a smile. But sometimes, as they say, the more you cover things up, the more it will surface.

I think a smile cannot suffice.

The whole time I assumed that things will go my way but it came out bad.

Currently, I have 3 responsibilities in school: my orgs (SENTINEL and Lyceum Historical Society), my classes and thesis. Thesis accounts for 50% of the time here in school. The rest is alloted for the org and classes.

Now that defense is nearing, pressure is building up. My org is looking for me while I sink into the complexities of our thesis. My life depends on the study because it is the key a student needs in order to graduate. I feel sad and frustrated being torn between my two favourite things on Earth. It sickens me.









Post from mobile portal m.livejournal.com

Thesis writing is crazy. :D

Awhile ago, awashed with the current sweep of schoolwork, a friend and I decided to have a break at the kwek-kwek stand at the LRT Central Station. Suddenly in the middle of a conversation about certain people in the University, she quipped, "Kamukha mo daw ang fiancee ni (name of person).".

I blinked twice.

"Who said?" I asked.

My friend mentioned a name, which made me scratch my head in disbelief.

Oh my God. After all this disbelief, after all this blunder, after all the declarations that he had made one certain night in a highway --- it all led to this, that I may remind him of his fiancee?

I then told my friend, "Thanks to you, may iba-blog na ako."

****

Shaking my head, my mind began running weirdly, recalling the times he showed utter affection towards me, with or without my friends around. He's so confusing. This guy has been showing intentions since I made my first appearance at our org meeting in an empty classroom in the third floor last semester. Sometimes I even catch him smiling while looking at one of our male profs. Recently I caught him smiling while staring at my ex! 0_____o Some people say he's a closet case. Some say he's confused and all. Wtf ---- what I wanna put in my StickyNote is that he's going to get married next year! Man, his fiancee is waiting for him to just sweep her off her feet on their way out of the church.

And now my head just pauses on the fact that I look like his fiancee.

Current Mood: apathetic

How many times should I really have to shove the Hay-Kat mess into my head? It's not that I'm getting sick of it, it's just that it is not the only important issue there is. What makes it a full-blown scandal is that it involves a young, up-and-coming doctor and a feisty, sultry sexy actress, among all the bevy of women the doctor went to bed with. It's that simple, so simple that it's utterly disturbing.


Just this afternoon, I watched the Hayden-Kat Senate hearing on TV here at RPN9 and lo and behold, I felt pity over Hayden when Abner Afuang doused water over him. Well, I could only understand what Afuang had in mind: binaboy din naman ni Hayden Kho ang mga babae, babuyin na din s'ya . Yeah, Hayden did not treat the women with respect, having recorded all of their sexual acts using a small, hidden camera. Tsk. I knew it, Hayden recorded their trysts for his own enjoyment. After all, he is a man.

Going back to the hearing, cameras hover on Katrina's scared, distraught face. She looked as if she didn't have any sleep (obviously, with all the mess she's in), as if she just had a nightmare. I feel for Katrina.

Her opening statement, as my senior people here at my internship venue believe, was like a movie script. So pampelikula.

"Minahal ko si Hayden."

It resounded in my head like it was some voice in a dream. Touching, dramatic. I feel sad for her, she fell for a guy who's taken, who'd eventually destroy her reputation and dignity. With all the mess she's in, her endorsements have been cancelled. Her billboard images have been removed from the eyes of commuters.

Brave girl, that Katrina. She braved embarrassment and harrassment. She braved her critics, her detractors. Amidst the struggle, she still manages to hold on.

Current Mood: amused

How the world conspires against you is another thing. While you sulk in one corner, the shadows you produce against the light of the moon transforms into a phantom that haunts your past and meddles with your future.

How else can the whole universe say that you are the most correct creature in terms of defining the rights of mankind? You do know how to say them yet you do not know how to do them, use them. Three different things, my dear.

You defile the simplest makings of the world you live in, thinking that you have owned everything that passed your hands, and known everything like the back of your hand. Nonsense. As you eat with your spoon and fork, your mind thinks with primitive basis. How backward you are. Pretentious.

When you quit, you don't mean it. You just want to find out what people will think once "quit" rolls out of your tongue like it was easy. I hope you stare like you mean it, making a point, stressing every single word about the world. Strings of words words won't suffice. Just say what you mean in one word, and everything will be done, or undone.

In the cold night you lie to yourself because the darkness hides your pretenses and when daylight comes, you hold a new face to cover them.

Little by little you are overcome with grief. Saddened by the demise of the your true self. You wave goodbye and then slump yourself against the cold floor. Bitter tears pour out of your eyes and your heart beats in an unsure, weak fashion.

Hope that one day will come and blanket you with the happiness that you deserve. You drift away, still the very thought of destiny will come pull you back to where you should be.

Yes guys, I have a new blog. But I am still keeping this LJ. :D

I am never like this: having to tell you guys that I am experiencing the D word.



I mean, like, when you've already planned something for this whole vacation (sorry, no out-of-town trips or whatever fancy shmancy shit ---- except going abroad, yeah.), suddenly there's this one effin thing that just destroys everything you needed to do.


What could be more depressing than indirectly insulting somebody you've looked up to?